Not me

{ September 30, 2009 @ 10:38 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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So I’m not so sure who I am lately.  I used to be shiny and happy and now I’m all dark and twisty.  It’s really like I don’t even know myself.  Today I had to stop myself from hitting another car when they cut me off.  They almost hit me.  I thought they wanted to play bumper cars.  It took everything in me not to hit the gas and rear-end them.  Like I said, I’m not myself.  I’ve been purposefully sleeping through my classes too.  I’ve been irritated with anyone that speaks to me.  I’m miserable…and angry.

“I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can’t be around normal people, like I’ll infect the happy people” grey’s anatomy

Holy Frustration!

{ September 23, 2009 @ 7:41 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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My back has been feeling much better since I had the epidural. I was able to go 5 days without needing my pain medication. However today I started having the pain again…..I REALLY hope the next one lasts longer! :(

“What I want is to wake up and be back to when my life made sense.” ~ Save the Last Dance

Remembering Cicely

{ September 18, 2009 @ 11:49 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Please visit www.rememberingcicely.com to support the family in my last post.

New parents jump through hoops to prepare themselves for the birth of their new bundle of joy.  They set up a nursery, buy diapers, get medical insurance and formula.  However, nobody is ever prepared for the loss of that child.  Please visit the site.  If you can find it in your heart to donate what you would spend on your morning coffee, please do.  Every dollar counts in honoring this beautiful little girl whose time spent with us was nothing but too short.

ds fam

Rest in peace sweet angel

{ September 18, 2009 @ 1:26 am } · { Uncategorized }
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I would like to take a moment to stop complaining about my own life.

My best friend Deanna lost her 5 month old daughter yesterday in a SIDs related accident.  This beautiful little girl will live on forever in our hearts.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and this blog was titled to help me search for those reasons.  Well, I truly can’t find a reason for this tragedy.  I believe in God, but I don’t always understand why He does things like this.  This sweet little angel in now in heaven with him where she is safe and watching over us.  Jason and Deanna showed so much strength as they decided to donate Cicely’s heart valves.  Somewhere a family is able to breathe a sigh of relief because their loved one will be able to live to see another day.  While that is a great thing it does not ease the sorrow in our hearts.

Rest in peace sweet angel.  Cicely Laurri Tiemann April 9, 2009 – September 16, 2009

Cicely

“I know I have a heart because I can feel it breaking.”

Awful

{ September 16, 2009 @ 8:25 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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The epidural was horrible.  Pure torture.  Sit still while we stick needles in your spine.  What a way to spend a Wednesday afternoon.  While I was at the VA I visited the representative to begin the process of requesting higher disability.  He said there is a good chance they will increase it as my condition gets worse.  It’s funny, people always think I’m lucky because I get a check every month from the VA for disability.  I always joke back that it pays my car note.  In reality I wish I never got a dime.  I would give back every cent they’ve given me if I could go back to how I was before the pain came.  Every cent.

“Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.”

- Van Wilder

Misery Loves Company

{ September 15, 2009 @ 9:36 pm } · { Air Force, Degenerative Disk Disease, Pain management, faith, hope, life, military, quotes }
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This blog is about to take a little twist.  As of now I post a little something every now and then.  Well, I’ve decided that I’m going to be using it more often.  Here is a little bit more about me:

I am 24 years old.  From my last post you can see that I am very proud of the time I served in the Air Force.  While i was in the Air Force I hurt my back and now have degenerative disk disease and bulging disks…at 24.  What does this mean? Pain.  Lots and lots of pain.  I have been in pain since April of 2006.  It’s been over 3 years.

You’re probably wondering why the VA doesn’t take care of this.  They do in their own slow, drawn out way.  They send me a check every month and I can go to a VA clinic or hospital to get medical care.  My last doctor sent me to physical therapy (my second attempt at getting relief from this treatment).  Obviously that didn’t work.  They tried electronic stimulation.  That did a whole lot of nothing.  Two months ago they finally prescribed me muscle relaxers.  They relax me and make me a little drowsy and pretty out of it, but I still feel the pain.  Next up was vicodin.  I still feel the pain. Pain.  Lots and lots of pain.

I got a new primary care doctor and he genuinely seems to care.  He ordered new tests for a re-evaluation.  He’s the one who prescribed me the muscle relaxers and vicodin.  He’s the first doctor to do that since I completed my term on active duty in 2007.  Every other doctor told me to take an anti-inflammatory and call it a day.  Pain.

Tomorrow I begin a new method of treatment.  I go for my first epidural.  I have to admit I’m a little scared.  The thought of a big needle sticking straight into my spine while I’m awake and trying to lay as still as I can.  I looked it up on-line so I know more of what to expect.  Normal side effects are headaches.  Well, I already get migraines so a headache should be a piece of cake.  Then I saw that they only have a 50% success rate at relieving SOME pain.  That makes me more nervous.

The whole thing is scary.  My whole life has changed.  I am not allowed to run.  Ever.  The saying “I run when chased” is a perfect description of how it is.  I used to run when I got stressed out or just needed to get away for an hour.  I like to run.  I liked to hook up my iPod and hit the open road.  Now it hurts to walk.  I’m scared of things people my age shouldn’t have to worry about.  When am I going to be in a wheelchair?  Will I be able to carry a child?  OK, that’s enough wining.

So, that’s where I am today.  Scared and in pain and hoping praying that tomorrows procedure helps me.

“I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can’t be around normal people, like I’ll infect the happy people” grey’s anatomy

Freedom!

{ June 10, 2009 @ 12:09 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Today was….an accomplishment. I received a notice in the mail that one of my credit card limits was being reduced…by $10. I was so annoyed by this that I paid it off….and paid off another. I was saving the money just because I liked seeing it in my bank account….so I suppose I owe them a thank you. Thank you GE Moneybank. Thank you for motivating me to stop giving you more money than I needed to. Please, lower my limit again. I dare you….that just might motivate me to never use it again. No more of my money for you!!!!!!

This, folks, is the first step I’ve taken toward financial security….and oh yeah, it feels good!

On a side note, I got a new tattoo today to commemorate my time in the Air Force.
the Red, White & Blue

“”…It is a proud privilege to be a soldier – a good soldier … [with] discipline, self-respect, pride in his unit and his country, a high sense of duty and obligation to comrades and to his superiors, and a self confidence born of demonstrated ability.”
“
— General George S. Patton Jr.

Speed Bumps

{ April 10, 2009 @ 10:31 pm } · { life, quotes }
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To get to my apartment I have to drive over exactly six ridiculous  speed bumps.  If I want to get home though I have to go over them.

I’m starting to think life operates the same way.  I’m set to graduate in December with my B.S. in accounting.  Cool, right? Yesterday I was informed that I have a balance of precisely $2,763.82 due by May 4th.  Surprise!!!!!!!!  Speed bump.  I have 3 choices:  find a 4th job (that’s right 4th….as if 3 weren’t enough chaos), work extra shifts at one of my jobs, OR ask my grandparents for a little help.  Either way, it makes me evaluate how bad I want it.

So, I have to slow down, get over the bump, and get back on track!  It should be easy…..right?

“There are days that make the sacrifices seem worthwhile…and then there are days where everything feels like a sacrifice…and then there are the sacrifices that you can’t even figure out why you’re making…”  Grey’s Anatomy

There’s not always a happily ever after

{ June 19, 2008 @ 2:23 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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“So…I’m awake…so if you want to tell me how amazing I am and you feel the same way, that would be great, lol…I’m not rushing you, I just left myself very open…they say if you love someone set them free and if they come back they’re truly yours, and if not, they never were…well..i came back…or never left, lol!  Either way!”

“I say this ma’am, I will always miss what we have, it was great and we weren’t given the right chance! It will be hard to let go, but I am happy here!  Things are different than they were with you…many things are different!  But I am here and I can’t live my life always wanting what was!  We learned a lot together and I loved the lessons!”

“You left out the part where I’m amazing, but I’ll let it slide, lol.”

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” ~John Lennon

You don’t choose who you love

{ June 19, 2008 @ 3:19 am } · { dating, hope, life, love, quotes, romance, singles }
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“I still want us to end up together…maybe that’s crazy, but I still feel the same way about you.  Something reminds me of you every day…and maybe I’m not supposed to say things like this, but too bad!  It’s how I feel and I would rather tell you now than live my life wishing I had!”

“Ok, you can always be straight up with me.”

“I really want to see you so I can confirm that everything I feel isn’t just in my head.  Right now I still love you and would move there right now if you asked me to.  I still want to have a family with you.  I want to make love to you every day, and cook things you actually like, and make your lunch, and clean or whatever else I can to make things easier for you.  To love, honor, cherish, and obey you.  To fight and make up.  To dance in the kitchen.  To be safe in your arms.  To play football in the living room.  To go to the gym.  To take bubble baths.  To watch movies in bed.  To stay at nice hotels.  To send care packages when you’re away.  To tell you I love you.  To see you smile and make you laugh. To sing to you like I should have a long time ago.  To grow old with you.  To go on road trips and vacations to the Bahamas.  To live out our fantasies.  And most importantly to push each other to be the successes we are.”

“Or whatever, huh!? We have to continue this later, I have to wake up early! I’m not skating I just really have to sleep!  Later I promise!”

 

to be continued…..

 

“If you love somebody, let them go.  If they return, they were always yours.  If they don’t they never were.” ~Anonymous

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