Finding the Reason

It’s Been A While

jocelyn — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 17:01:16 +0000

While I’ve been trying to remember my password for the last too many months lots has changed. I’m all settled in at the new job and can’t wait for my first year to be up so I can apply for other jobs within the company. That guy that was in my life is still around, but only in the role he should have remained in from the beginning. He was a giant waste of time. I’m getting a new car. I’ve fallen out of touch with a few friends and made some new ones. I traveled to Nashville, TN and loved every minute of it. I now own Cowboy Boots. I’ve lived in my apartment for one year and I just finished unpacking the last 3 boxes this weekend. I’ve decided not to move for a while. This is a big step for me, lol. That’s all I have for now, there is a sink full of dishes waiting for me….

All Things Good

jocelyn — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 14:42:12 +0000

Well, the kidney stones are gone! Woo hoo! That was a whole lot of pain for such a little stone. Apparently kidney stones are worse than childbirth. At least if I had a child I’d have something adorable to show for all the pain I went through!

Things are still going well with the boy. :)

And, I start a new job on monday! Things are looking up!

“Every setback is a setup for a greater comeback.”

Happiness

jocelyn — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 02:23:36 +0000

Today I am happy. Finally. I moved back to my hometown a few months back. I have my own apartment and I love it. The place is absolutely beautiful. I got to paint! Well, I should say I got to choose the paint colors and the guys did it for me as they were finishing my place. I had a part-time job lined up for when I moved up here. A retail position which I had no experience in but quickly learned to love and was promoted to management. I got hired for a full-time position at one of the biggest employers in the state and start the first week of next month. I had a huge crush on my landlord’s son the first time I met him and we’re now something. I say something because we haven’t exactly defined it but we’re seeing each other and I’m loving every second of it. We’re taking things slow which is an amazingly pleasant surprise. We’ve been talking for about 2 months now and he showed me his house last weekend. It’s so beautiful! It’s over 100 years old but they completely refinished it. Taking into consideration how amazing my apartment looks compared to the “before” pictures I saw I wasn’t really surprised. He has a wrap-around porch with Cracker Barrel rocking chairs on it and he doesn’t know it yet, but there’s a good chance that he’s going to start finding me on his porch reading when he gets home from work. And I may or may not be plotting which recipes I’m going to cook in his amazing kitchen…..Something tells me he won’t be too disappointed about either of those. :)

Now if I could just get rid of these kidney stones……

“Sometimes right in the middle of an ordinary life we’re given a fairytale.”

Budget

jocelyn — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 15:28:24 +0000

Ugh! I hate that word! I’m in accounting, so I know what it means. I know how to make one. I know how to advise people to use one. I know how to get people out of debt by making them stick to using one. But me? No way! Budgets just don’t work for me! I pay my bills (always on time and at least double the minimum payment) and play with the rest. What’s wrong with that? I have a part time job solely for the purpose of having money to play with. I know what I’m doing and I like living comfortably.

The new boy sees the bags from my impulsive purchases and today asked me these two questions: ”Do you just have tons of expendable income?” and “Don’t you have a budget?”.

Ugh….budget!? Isn’t it a little early to be weighing in on my spending habits……

Not me

jocelyn — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 02:38:08 +0000

So I’m not so sure who I am lately. I used to be shiny and happy and now I’m all dark and twisty. It’s really like I don’t even know myself. Today I had to stop myself from hitting another car when they cut me off. They almost hit me. I thought they wanted to play bumper cars. It took everything in me not to hit the gas and rear-end them. Like I said, I’m not myself. I’ve been purposefully sleeping through my classes too. I’ve been irritated with anyone that speaks to me. I’m miserable…and angry.

“I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can’t be around normal people, like I’ll infect the happy people” grey’s anatomy

Holy Frustration!

jocelyn — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 23:41:25 +0000

My back has been feeling much better since I had the epidural. I was able to go 5 days without needing my pain medication. However today I started having the pain again…..I REALLY hope the next one lasts longer!

“What I want is to wake up and be back to when my life made sense.” ~ Save the Last Dance

Remembering Cicely

jocelyn — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 03:49:06 +0000

Please visit www.rememberingcicely.com to support the family in my last post.

New parents jump through hoops to prepare themselves for the birth of their new bundle of joy. They set up a nursery, buy diapers, get medical insurance and formula. However, nobody is ever prepared for the loss of that child. Please visit the site. If you can find it in your heart to donate what you would spend on your morning coffee, please do. Every dollar counts in honoring this beautiful little girl whose time spent with us was nothing but too short.

Rest in peace sweet angel

jocelyn — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 05:26:34 +0000

I would like to take a moment to stop complaining about my own life.

My best friend Deanna lost her 5 month old daughter yesterday in a SIDs related accident. This beautiful little girl will live on forever in our hearts. I believe that everything happens for a reason and this blog was titled to help me search for those reasons. Well, I truly can’t find a reason for this tragedy. I believe in God, but I don’t always understand why He does things like this. This sweet little angel in now in heaven with him where she is safe and watching over us. Jason and Deanna showed so much strength as they decided to donate Cicely’s heart valves. Somewhere a family is able to breathe a sigh of relief because their loved one will be able to live to see another day. While that is a great thing it does not ease the sorrow in our hearts.

Rest in peace sweet angel. Cicely Laurri Tiemann April 9, 2009 – September 16, 2009

“I know I have a heart because I can feel it breaking.”

Awful

jocelyn — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:25:49 +0000

The epidural was horrible. Pure torture. Sit still while we stick needles in your spine. What a way to spend a Wednesday afternoon. While I was at the VA I visited the representative to begin the process of requesting higher disability. He said there is a good chance they will increase it as my condition gets worse. It’s funny, people always think I’m lucky because I get a check every month from the VA for disability. I always joke back that it pays my car note. In reality I wish I never got a dime. I would give back every cent they’ve given me if I could go back to how I was before the pain came. Every cent.

“Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.”

- Van Wilder

Misery Loves Company

jocelyn — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 01:36:50 +0000

This blog is about to take a little twist. As of now I post a little something every now and then. Well, I’ve decided that I’m going to be using it more often. Here is a little bit more about me:

I am 24 years old. From my last post you can see that I am very proud of the time I served in the Air Force. While i was in the Air Force I hurt my back and now have degenerative disk disease and bulging disks…at 24. What does this mean? Pain. Lots and lots of pain. I have been in pain since April of 2006. It’s been over 3 years.

You’re probably wondering why the VA doesn’t take care of this. They do in their own slow, drawn out way. They send me a check every month and I can go to a VA clinic or hospital to get medical care. My last doctor sent me to physical therapy (my second attempt at getting relief from this treatment). Obviously that didn’t work. They tried electronic stimulation. That did a whole lot of nothing. Two months ago they finally prescribed me muscle relaxers. They relax me and make me a little drowsy and pretty out of it, but I still feel the pain. Next up was vicodin. I still feel the pain. Pain. Lots and lots of pain.

I got a new primary care doctor and he genuinely seems to care. He ordered new tests for a re-evaluation. He’s the one who prescribed me the muscle relaxers and vicodin. He’s the first doctor to do that since I completed my term on active duty in 2007. Every other doctor told me to take an anti-inflammatory and call it a day. Pain.

Tomorrow I begin a new method of treatment. I go for my first epidural. I have to admit I’m a little scared. The thought of a big needle sticking straight into my spine while I’m awake and trying to lay as still as I can. I looked it up on-line so I know more of what to expect. Normal side effects are headaches. Well, I already get migraines so a headache should be a piece of cake. Then I saw that they only have a 50% success rate at relieving SOME pain. That makes me more nervous.

The whole thing is scary. My whole life has changed. I am not allowed to run. Ever. The saying “I run when chased” is a perfect description of how it is. I used to run when I got stressed out or just needed to get away for an hour. I like to run. I liked to hook up my iPod and hit the open road. Now it hurts to walk. I’m scared of things people my age shouldn’t have to worry about. When am I going to be in a wheelchair? Will I be able to carry a child? OK, that’s enough wining.

So, that’s where I am today. Scared and in pain and hoping praying that tomorrows procedure helps me.

“I feel like one of those people who is so miserable that they can’t be around normal people, like I’ll infect the happy people” grey’s anatomy